Ben's Poems : 2014

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Where is the Love?

Come and let’s pretend we’re only lovers

Not mother, father, worker and housewife

Forget about all of those other duties

And tend the thing that made them part of life

Remember how it was in the beginning

When we both walked our separate roads alone

And remember how we found in one another

Something that made the world feel like a home

And yes, sometimes I know that I forget you

In trying to make a farm out of this place

And sometimes you are taxed beyond your patience

By kids who will not join the human race

Bet even so, I have not forgotten

How much a part of me you have become

And nothing could erase you from my being

So tightly interwoven we have grown

Won’t you tell me where’s the smile

I haven’t seen for such a while?

Where’s the look that told of love?

Where’s the love I’ve been dreaming of?

Have I been gone too long a time?

Too many nights, too many times?

Did I ask too much of you?

Do you still feel the way I do?

Won’t you let me see the smile

I haven’t seen for such a while!

If there’s any left for me

Of the love that used to be!

Time

The great immortal mist

That shades the past

Promises all

And brings us now

This moment

Now

The unexpected comes

That fills the world

Enriches us

A wealth of love

And you

You

From nothing, everything

You give it all

And always find

When I desire

Time.

Camping

Sunshine on the mountain

Lying gold upon the hill

Falling down among the branches

Burning off the morning chill.

Rolling smooth across the meadow

Coming softly through the air

Streaming easy across my shoulder

Tumbling brightly through her hair.

Very few of Ben's poems were handed to me on a tidy sheet of paper. Usually they were folded. Often they were wet. Frequently they were stained. Mostly there were a few scratched out lines. Several had math problems on them. Once the paper was a paper towel from the bathroom floor at work where he was sitting.

This one was mildewed and torn when he gave it to me. He had forgotten it the day he wrote it and he'd been drenched in a soaking rain on his run home.

I call it THE RELIC because with the words that are missing due to damage it looks extremely old.

The Relic

Starlight filters down the night sky.

The wind…onward endlessly

The fire.., warm and …

Sounds of night speak quietly

She lies warm upon my shoulder

Her hair streams softly on my brow

Her breath soft, my arms enfold her

Night is… and … is now.

Desire

Desire is a wild thing

It can be fed

But never tames

A fool will bring it home

And find

It tears apart the fabric of his mind

And grasping tight

It slips between his fingers

Till not a trace remains.

The wise man chooses love

It comforts him

And together

They watch desire come

And go

And spring and jump and overflow

Their hearts with happiness

That’s theirs to share

And have forever.

Let me help

I’m not out to change the world

But I’d like to change your life

And I’d like for you to know just who I am

Not some hero out of Hollywood

Nor some saint who’s always doing good.

Just a man who wants to love you all he can.

If you’ll let me I will help you to be

Everything you can

It’s no sacrifice to help you be yourself

Cause you’re just like a part of me

In a place where there’s no room for someone else.

If you’ll tell me what you’re thinking

I can help you think it out

Help you find the confidence to try

Be there when you need a hand

Back you when you make a stand

And lend my shoulder when you need to cry.

I’m not asking you to give up

All the dreams you have begun

I just want to help you make a few come true

And the wonder of it is

All I ask for what I give

Is a chance to see the happiness in you.

To My Wife

In this world

Few realize

The dreams they see

Behind closed eyes

Their fervent hopes

Fade gradually

And blend to meet

Reality.

I observe

Their destinies

Destroy their dreams

Unmercifully

I see them yield

To circumstance

And pity fills

My thoughtful glance

I reflect

Upon the grace

That excludes me

From their sad place

And grant the powers

Their full due

That filled my dreams

And gave me you.

Without reason

Undeserving

I am granted warmth and loving

Understanding

Friend through life

Given so few

Mine, through my wife.

You’ve got to walk that lonesome valley

“You've got to walk that lonesome valley,

You've got to walk it by yourself.

And nobody else can walk it for you,

You've got to walk it by yourself.”

When I was young

I used to wonder

Who I was

And where I’m going

I used to wonder

Why no one told me

Then I learned

That no one knows.

Once I was

So very lonely

I didn't know

Why I was born

Then I found

A girl who loves mes

Felt so good

I felt re-born.

Even so

She’s still a stranger

To what goes on

Inside my soul

She’s a world

Of comfort to me

But there’s so much

That can’t be told.

So listen kids

I’m trying to tell you

Makes no difference

Who you are

It’s you life

And you've got to live it

So find your own

Guiding star.

He wrote this as a song. He never sang it to me.

Going Home

I wait

Impatiently

We move

The houses pass

The cars, the roads

The blur

At last

Expectantly

I see

The place of love

The grass, the kids

Then-her

Tell me

Tell me that you’ll never ever leave me.

Tell me that you’ll love me all your life

Tell me that you’ll never love another

Tell me that you’ll always be my wife.

And I’ll believe you

Cause I’m nothing without you

And I’ll believe you

Even if it isn’t true

And I’ll believe you

Cause there’s nothing to believe in without you.

Tell me that you’ll always be my lover

Tell me that you’ll never turn away

Tell me that we’ll share all of our tomorrows

Tell me that you’ll never go away.

Tell me that the world we build together

Won’t fall apart before my life is done

Tell me that the dream I see before me

Won’t fade away like mist from morning’s Sun.

I love you

I have seen the sun rising

Warm upon my face

I have seen the snow falling

White with crystal lace

I have seen the rainbow when

It brightened all the earth

But never was there wonders quite

The equal of your worth.

Never was there anything

So full of life and love

Never have I seen such things

On earth or up above

Never have I felt something

As deeply as I do

Never have I loved something

As much as I do you.

Angel

I suppose she is no angel

Nor would I wish her so

Do angels feel the passion

That her eyes so often show?

Do angels need somebody

On whom they can depend

To comfort them when troubled

Or when danger should portend?

Do angels need the company

Of one who loves them most

To turn to when they’re lost among

the numbers of the host?

No doubt they have their glory

In their world of mystery

But none could match the beauty of

What she can give to me.

I-I’m in love with you

And I-I can’t live without

You here beside me.

Every time I see you

I know everything’s all right

You’ve made my life so bright

It always seems so right

To feel this way

that I can’t help but say

I-I’m in love with you

And I-I can’t live without

You here beside me.

Every time I think about the

Way it used to be

The pain and misery

No one cared, and no one

Ever loved me the way you do

No one else but you.

I-I’m in love with you

And I-I can’t live without

You here beside me.

Anniversary

A year ago

This day,

I found a love,

A life,

That gave more joy

And love,

And happiness

Than anyone I’ve ever known before.

And day by day,

Always,

I find her more

Perfect

To live with

Always,

And make love to

Than anyone I’ve ever known before.

Within my heart,

A place

Is etched,

In life,

That nothing could erase,

The way I feel

About the one I’ll love forever more.

To Know

There’s so many things

I want to know

I find it hard even to know

Where to start

But most of all

I want to know

If tomorrow I’ll still have a place

Within your heart.

At Peace

The night is still

Her breathing fills the room

Warmly wrapped around her

I am calm

Contented and at peace.

Desire sated

I am filled with love

Tenderly I touch her

With my eyes

Sleeping and

At peace.

The Cup of Love

The star-crossed man who cared

Leaves that care entwined in life

That’s needing this

the strength at last to bloom.

The taker grabs and hopes

To fill his cup ahead of fate.

Empty dreams fill-up

The cup that bought their doom.

And only those who love

Enough to pass on the cup

Can hope to taste

The nectar of life’s bloom.

Within your Love

All the things that life could give

Great intellect or wealth

Glory, fame and honors

Even perfect health

Could not begin to compensate

For what you’ve given me.

They dim next to the treasure trove

I’ve found within your love.

To Understand

To understand,

Hear,

Not the words,

But the need to speak them.

Feel,

Not the touch,

But the will that caused it.

Know,

Not the form,

But the passion that moves it

To understand.

Benjamin Robert Davis 1948-2005

I was Ben's second wife. I am the one that was there for him. He had three children and I had one baby when we married. I was seventeen. He was twenty-seven. Even though times were really tough he made sure he wrote me a poem at least once a year and sometimes more. He would arrive home after running one-half mile from where the shipyard bus dropped him off. Sweat would be dripping off him no matter the weather. When he reached into his back pocket and pulled that soggy wallet out, I knew I was going to be handed a new poem. They were almost all folded to fit in his wallet.

Folded to Fit in his Wallet
is the title of the book I see in my head.

Ben retired in January of 2005. He had his first seizure in April and the second one in May. Three days after the second one he had three, then six, then more and more every day. The neurologist said he had a stroke and that the brain was scanning the scar tissue causing him to have a seizure each time. He gave him medication and said he needed to lose weight. As the seizures became more frequent I documented them. I slept right next to him with pen and paper at hand. I faxed them to the doctor and in general tried to keep his attention on my husband. In July somebody mentioned "Seizure Clinic" & "Swedish Hospital". I jumped on it and asked the doctor if we could get an appointment there. We got an appointment for October. If any of you are living with someone who is waiting for the "appointment" and that person is having thirty or forty seizures a day, please don't wait any more, even if your doctor acts like it is okay. Pack that person to a seizure clinic as soon as possible. The doctor there told me I should have brought him straight there. She said they would have seen him. Anyway, that truly awesome doctor looked at his scans and yelled, "Take that equipment off him and bring this man a menu. He can eat anything he wants!"

She took me aside and told me he had a brain tumor. It was too large by then to use the gamma knife. His surgery took place in October. He went from having eighty to one hundred seizures daily to a blessed dozen. What a relief for both of us. His doctors enjoyed him and he was the only patient they said they had to tell to slow down. He even had to have a bed alarm because he wanted to walk and he was never daunted by floundering around on floor wracked with a seizure. He'd just get back up and keep trying.

There is a lot more to this story and some day I will write it as I've been asked but it is still hard to write through blurry eyes.

As I looked at our bills one day I thought maybe I could sell some of his poems. I took the box of stained and droopy poetry from my closet and read the one on top to him. "Wow," he said, "That's really good! Who wrote that?" I couldn't believe he didn't remember. "You did," I said. "I did!", he nearly squeaked with excitement. "I wrote that?" I nodded. He asked for a pencil and paper and he happily began writing again. What he wrote was hardly understandable but it didn't matter. He was happy and he was scribbling determinedly. He planned to help me earn some money. He had a goal.

I want to share his poems and his spirit. First I'll start with the poems.

Sincerely, Carmen

Homecoming

by Ben Davis (RIP)

Walking

Is such a slow and tedious process

Impatience

Speed the cadence of my pace

Reverie

That picture of our meeting

Dictates

That walk should becom a race

Then I’m there!

I make some comment

Just to make my presence known

She is waiting

Occupied with something

At the far side of the room

I hesitate

Then drop my few possessions

In the places they belong

And once again

I see she loves me and that

Therefore I am home.